H.P. Lovecraft goes up to the counter, determined to uncover the conspiracy behind the international success of Starbucks. Interrogating the barista proves fruitless. His travels take him from the ancient beanfields of Peru to SETI to an arctic Starbucks (now featuring: non-euclidean scones). He now knows what forces drive the Starbucks Empire. But there are some things man was not meant to know, and he will not ask you to imagine the unimaginable.
Lady Macbeth goes up to the counter and sees three female baristas intently hovering over the espresso machine, chanting something unintelligible. She decides to order a Passion tea and proceeds to spill it all over her clothes and hands. She runs screaming to the bathroom. The three baristas cackle in uncanny unison.
Hamlet goes up to the counter and can’t decide what to order.
Dostoevsky goes up to the counter and spends two hours frantically trying to decide what to order. When he finally makes a decision, he sits in a corner and broods for the next several weeks. He is finally arrested for loitering and taken to prison overnight. He fears that he will face execution. He is an idiot.
George Orwell goes up to the counter, looks around suspiciously, and leaves. He only drinks coffee from independent shops.
Tolkien goes up to the counter and orders a Teavana Shaken Iced Blackberry Mojito Tea Lemonade. All of the hipsters inside the shop overhear and immediately go up and order the same thing. Tolkien is enraged and storms out, screaming that everyone misunderstood what he was trying to order.
Tennessee Williams goes up to the counter and orders a coffee, but he doesn’t pay for it himself. He always depends on the kindness of strangers.
Lemony Snicket goes up to the counter and orders a caffé Americano. It is bitter. The barista is armed. The man in the corner has poisoned someone’s drink. The espresso machine is on fire. Lemony Snicket begins to run down the street as the Starbucks explodes. He is being chased. He spills his coffee.